How the Patriarchy Undermines Men
Things the Manosphere Fails to See
Since the day an academic somewhere coined the term “toxic masculinity,” there have been people insisting it implies masculinity itself is toxic. From the furthest reaches of what we now call the manosphere, an army of pretend experts assure us that the status quo, feminists, liberals, the matrix - whatever their bogeyman du jour may be - all are hellbent on destroying all things masculine.
If you’ve not seen this place, the manosphere, Andrew Tate is its posterboy. It’s easy to find. Open your browser. Go to Fox News and make a slight right. If you see Alex Jones, you’re close. It’s there, next to QAnon and Truth Social.
There, these self-proclaimed experts on manhood, ridicule the concept of male privilege, conflate the idea of toxic masculinity with masculinity itself, pontificate on all the merits of misogyny and its trappings, fancy the currently-incarcerated Tate the martyr, and shout their support for our brand of patriarchy from the rooftops.
Their self-righteous rancor is justified in identifying the enormous threat to manhood and masculinity that exists. But, although they believe they can properly name that threat, they cannot. They fail to see that the real threat to manhood is patriarchy itself.
These same people would blather on about how participation trophies make for soft men. What is patriarchy but one big participation trophy?
“Congratulations! You were born with a penis. Now go enjoy advantages afforded only to those with penises.”
There is nothing inherently flawed about the idea of patriarchy.
If a society chooses to organize itself in such a way that men lead, on both macro and micro levels - if that’s what the people want, as it once was - so be it. But, it is what most people want no longer, and there’s a simple reason why. In our society, we have taken patriarchy to a place devoid of fairness, and those who are out there fighting for women and demanding a better version of men are the ones trying to right the ship. Meanwhile, those in the manosphere tell us we must turn back, before we sail over the earth’s edge.
It sounds counterintuitive, the idea that patriarchy undermines manhood. It is nonetheless true, because all of us human beings, as we live day-by-day, invariably know, deep in our hearts, whether a thing is right or wrong, true or false.
The unearned privilege that comes with patriarchy is corrosive. It has already done far more damage to men and masculinity than feminist ideas ever will.
When power is given to a man, whether or not he deserves it, it emasculates him. It deprives him of the opportunity to prove himself.
It breeds insecurity. He walks through life fearing he’s an imposter. Then the insecure man feels the need to compensate by bullying someone, or pounding his chest, or bedding as many women as he can, or slapping his wife around, or insulting strangers on the internet. This, by the way, is what’s meant by toxic masculinity.
When a man is given an advantage that he hasn’t earned or doesn’t deserve, he knows it, as does the woman who may be forsaken by the favoritism he’s shown. Scenarios where she is the better candidate but he get’s the job, because he’s a man, cheat both parties involved. She is deprived of the opportunity she earned, while he is deprived of an opportunity to face the reality that he isn’t good enough, which might then motivate him to be better. Again, this makes for a man who feels confused and inadequate. Emasculated.
“We can only choose whether we will feel and not what we will feel.”
-Sam Keen
In the midst of all this, we perpetuate the false patriarchal belief that men are not and should not be emotional. So, by and large, men have no way to reckon with their fears, and insecurities, and feelings of inadequacy, because we are trained to never acknowledge them; never speak of them.
Here’s the thing about emotions. When we numb ourselves from one of them, we numb ourselves from all of them. Because, in our culture, anger is the only socially-acceptable emotion for males to experience, it produces men who are numb. Lost. Emotionally-frozen. Robbed of their vitality. Confused. Afraid to feel.
All men feel, even when they pretend otherwise. We all feel. Yet, we continue to propagate this false and destructive belief that to be emotional is to be weak or to be feminine; that real men are something other than emotional beings. At best, it makes men feel shameful and flawed when they do, inevitably, experience painful emotions. At worst, it leads them to take their own lives.
How can someone feel like a man when he’s not supposed to feel?
To all those who say “masculinity is being destroyed” by wokeism, or liberalism, or feminism; that manhood is under attack, I call bullshit. To those who say the man should always lead, I say not unless he’s worth following.
The manosphere can continue to produce panic-infused clickbait with alarmist messages like “they want to destroy life as we know it” and “they hate marriage” and “they hate men.” All these will prove to be every bit as valid as what most of us believed centuries ago - that the earth was flat.
Here, in reality, we see the need for a better, more empowered version of manhood. It may seem audacious to believe that can exist, just as it was to believe the earth was round.
That version, where men have the ability to really, truly prove themselves, can only exist when men no longer have a head start in every race, and we stop associating emotions with gender.
Well written and refreshing to read. Can’t wait to delve into your work.
There is no real patriarchy. It's like transphobia.