On the Struggle to Stay Sober
If you are in living in long-term recovery, and struggling to stay sober, something needs to change.
As a man in long-term recovery from a painful, destructive, and debilitating relationship with alcohol, I cringe when I encounter people who have nothing that resembles first-hand experience with addiction, nor any professional training or experience related to it, who will nonetheless tell you, with confidence, what they “know” about recovering from a substance use disorder.
A few months ago, I wrote about one of the pieces of dubious conventional wisdom repeated by such people, and even by people who do have some expertise in the area. “I know, if they are ever going to get better, they have to really want it.”
It reminds me of a saying I’ve heard more times than I can count in certain meetings for people like me that often take place in church basements. “Sobriety isn’t for people who want it. It’s for people who do it.”
Recently, I read another one of these tidbits of misunderstanding about recovery in a comment on a Facebook post pertaining to one of my favorite musicians, who happens to be sober.
The guy wrote something like this.
“You have to understand, being in recovery is a constant struggle that people have to overcome every single day, for the rest of their lives.”
No. It’s not.
I know a lot of recovering alcoholics who would be active alcoholics if that was true. I, myself, might be drinking again, had I been, as we say in recovery circles, “white knuckling it” for the past 28 years.
I’m sure it happens. An ongoing, bewildering obsession to partake must vex some people in recovery. But I ascribe to a belief that exists among many members of the Twelve-Step community. If you’re struggling, you’re not doing it right. If you’re not enjoying yourself, you’re not doing it right. If you’re not happy, you’re not doing it right.
Now, depending on the pathway to recovery someone chooses to follow, they will hear different ideas about how to overcome the obsession or compulsion to drink alcohol or use their drug of choice. Personally, adherence to Twelve-Step principles changed the course of my life. That philosophy works for me. But, the various ways to find peace while in continuous abstinence, church, or Alcoholics Anonymous, SMART Recovery, Dharma Recovery, or participation in some other virtual or terrestrial community, these options constitute a different essay.
However, in the early days of recovery I reached a clear conclusion, and I believe this truth applies with any path to recovery a person might choose. If I intended to stop using alcohol to change the way I felt, I needed to create a life that I had no desire to escape. I often tell clients, and the people who love them, “if you want to stay sober, you have to find a way to be happy.”
I had to learn to make decisions that were not only conducive to sobriety, they also supported my happiness as a human being. In practice, that meant making many small choices that, together, over time, deepened my overall sense of satisfaction in life.
Again, how a person might achieve happiness, or contentment - that topic merits a completely different piece of writing. But, I have come to understand there is a single imperative that can contribute to a person’s happiness more than any other. You find this slogan, attributed to Shakespeare, hanging on the wall at most any AA meeting. “To thine own self be true.”
Recently, in conversation with my older brother, I told him exactly how I feel about the current status of my relationship with alcohol, understanding that he likely knows about as much about being a sober man as does the guy who commented on that Facebook post.
I enjoyed drinking, I told him. But I don’t miss it. It was a lot of fun, until it wasn’t.
I would never have chosen to experience the painful series of events that took me from active alcoholism to early recovery. The emergency room. The drunk tank at the county jail. Twenty-eight days in rehab. Over a year living in a halfway house. That all sucked. But I wouldn’t trade that experience for anything, because I love my life. In many ways it made me who I am, and I like who I am.
My life is not perfect. Sometimes I struggle because life is hard. I struggle with life, not with alcoholism. The kid who drank like a fool - he struggled with alcoholism. That’s not who I am anymore. I did something that more cynical folks insist people don’t do. I changed.
I was taught that recovery is a process of change. Of course it’s a struggle in the beginning, just like anything new. But the point is to become a different, better version of who you are; to find a new way of life.
Everyone struggles sometimes. Everyone. But if you’ve been sober awhile and you’re struggling to stay that way, something has to change.
It’s probably you.
Hey folks,
I’m working on a companion podcast for this newsletter, called The Sober Path, where you can listen to meaningful discussions on finding, keeping, and living in long-term recovery. In it, I’ll talk to other people walking the sober path. You’ll hear about their experience and we’ll discuss topics like the one I covered here.
Stay tuned.
Thank you for reading. Please like, comment, and share if you wish. I’d love to hear your thoughts on the struggle.
Best,
No One Ever "Wants To" Get Sober
“They have to want it.” As a recovering alcoholic and an addiction professional, I’ve heard this refrain more times than I care to consider. I used to say the words myself.
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Great piece - I'll have 22 years in May and agree that it's structural - create a life without support for sobriety you will struggle. If you create the conditions necessary you will thrive ("sobriety in all it's forms"). I recently got my MSW as a 57 year old white dude steeped in abstinence and was shocked at the new definitions of sobriety and harm reduction. Personally they don't work for me but they help some. Out here in the Pac Northwest Wellbriety is gaining traction. Thank you for posting.
Love this piece=So dead on Tom ~ many thanks!