Whatever You Do, Don't Kiss Her Goodbye
Debunking Dating Advice from Instagram
This is another installment in my Debunked Dating Advice series. It’s been awhile.
As someone who works with guys on issues around close relationships, I follow a handful of people on social media who identify as dating or relationship coaches. Nearly all of them target men. I find some more helpful than others. The best of them are licensed therapists, but sometimes even they post content I find inadequate, to be kind.
Scrolling Instagram recently, I came upon a video offering guidance for single guys. It is a good example of the most common problem I see with content like this. It often ties a man’s dating success to him presenting himself in a way that is less than genuine. Or, to put it more simply, playing games.
“When you're dating, or in a relationship with a woman,” says the 28-year-old gym bro wearing aviators and a cowboy hat, “never, under any circumstances, ever, give a hug or a kiss goodbye when you're done seeing her.”
Then, as he does in many other videos he shares, this guy with about 85,000 more followers than I have, utters a three-word imperative that may very well form the least interesting hook on the entire platform. “Let me explain.”
“As soon as you initiate a hug and a kiss goodbye,” he says, “what you're actually doing is you are revealing your interest level.” This is a typical refrain I hear from guys out there posting dating tips for single men. It’s some version of whatever you do, don’t let her know you like her. In fact, some suggest, it might be better to do the opposite.
The reasoning behind suggestions like this encourages establishing a power differential between the man and his date. Always keep her on her toes. Make her question your interest. Don’t let her get comfortable. If you don’t find a way to make her pursue you, she will lose interest.
We used to call this playing hard to get. Maybe it can be fun if it’s flirtatious. Otherwise, doesn’t it seem stupid to pretend not to be interested in someone who you are interested in? To intentionally give them mixed signals . . .
I think this is one of the reasons why everyone says dating sucks. Rather than initiating a relationship on the basis of partnership, people, especially guys, often approach dating from an adversarial orientation. This person has something I want. How do I get it from her?
(More on that point here.)
Back to the sage in the cowboy hat. “The reason why this is really bad is because this is the typical programming that most men run into. Most men are taught you need to have really good social skills. It's polite to say bye to people. It's polite to give a hug and a kiss goodbye if it's a girl that you're seeing. Whatever the case may be, the problem is that all of these things lowers (His words, not mine.) her attraction.”
“A woman only falls in love with a man when he remains emotionally detached,” he says. This is a crock of shit.
Maybe advice like this works if all you care about is getting laid and moving on. But real intimacy comes from a shared emotional connection.
The deeper the emotional connection, the closer you are; the more invested she is - the more invested you both are.
“The second that you show any form of communication where you are signaling emotional attachment,” he says, “is the exact second that she starts to pull away and lose interest.” Nonsense. If this happens, the relationship was going nowhere in the first place. That person is not partner material.
“If I just got done with a date, or I just got done hanging out with a woman,” he says, “the only way I'm ever giving a hug or a kiss goodbye is if she initiates it first, because the fact that she is coming to me in order to initiate it first is the one thing that's actually now satisfying hypergamy.” Again, the power differential. Make her initiate. Then she’ll think you’re better than her.
This turns off women with any significant measure of emotional intelligence. If she has any self-respect, she’s not kissing you, dude. You’re going home disappointed.
“At all times when I'm in front of her, I need to signal that I'm the best that she'll ever do.” Wow. Just wow.
“The only way that you do that is not through your status, or through your bank balance. It's through internal high-value skills of not getting attached.”
Let me get this straight. If you want to get attached, don’t get attached?
To quote a friend with whom I shared this post: “This sounds like one middle-schooler’s advice to another middle-schooler at the monkey bars.”
He went on to point out perhaps the biggest problem with this approach to dating. It sets a standard for manipulation. It’s not the way to start a healthy relationship of any kind.
“If you want to master the language of women at an even deeper level,” he says. “Check out what I made for you… It will change your life.”
Click the link in his bio to ruin your next relationship before it starts.
Eesh. This kind of “advice” makes me crazy. I see similar misguided game playing masquerading as advice given to women as well.
It also depends on the level of maturity of the people you’re dating. Lesser developed people are all about you when you play the not interested game, and bored and want nothing to do with you when youre all about them.