The Friend Zone Doesn't Exist
Debunking a Myth as Spring Approaches
The friend zone is an imaginary place where it’s the woman’s fault a guy has too little self-respect to walk away when she rejects him.
It’s a myth. It doesn’t really exist.
The idea itself is an affront to a woman’s agency. It tells her that, even when she isn’t attracted to a man, she should still see him as a potential partner.
It tells her she shouldn’t be so choosy; that attraction is irrelevant.
Think about that. It’s saying there needn’t be anything special about a man for a woman to choose him. It’s saying real attraction to him isn’t necessary. A woman should choose a man, even if she isn’t attracted to him. All because he would rather not deal with a simple rejection.
It doesn’t make any sense. It can only make sense when a man is so disconnected from his heart that he doesn’t even consider how she feels.
He’s too busy thinking about what he can get from her to treat her like a human being.
At the root of this is a spirit of resentment toward women for having the power of choice. If we really pick it apart, a lot of men resent women because they are the real gatekeepers when it comes to sex. Men don’t like that.
They want a shortcut. Rather than being attractive to women, rather than developing the type of connection with a woman that it takes for her to actually want to have sex with him – which takes both time and emotional intelligence - some men would just as soon take away her power of choice. The idea of the friend zone puts pressure on women to say yes, whether they want to or not.
When I was in my mid-20’s, I had a memorable conversation with my dad. My parents were visiting from out-of-state. It became apparent to him that I was upset over a girl I’d been dating. She pulled away from me in the days preceding their arrival, presumably because she had no desire to meet them. She wasn’t that serious about me, or she was afraid of commitment, or whatever I told myself at the time. She stopped returning my calls, and I was devastated. It felt like it came out of nowhere.
My dad and I were taking a walk one afternoon. I told him all about it, about her, still hopeful the relationship could be salvaged. He posed an important question. It offered me no comfort whatsoever at the time.
“Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?”
I knew the answer. My self-esteem was too low for that to matter to me – the fact that she no longer wanted me. I didn’t have enough self-respect to demonstrate the indifference the situation called for. I was too needy.
I felt heartsick, and this was by no means the first time I found myself in such a position. It was, however, among the last.
As I entered my teens, I began a dysfunctional pattern with romantic partners. Absent of any dignity, it went something like this.
I would meet someone, and sparks would fly. We would share mutual interest. Then, we would begin getting to know each other and become close.
I would then decide I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.
Invariably, she would begin to distance herself from me.
Having created a fantasy where she and I would be a couple, eventually marry, then live happily ever after, I would feel far too invested to simply let it go. Rather than acknowledging the loss – to the extent that it even was the type of loss it felt like to me at the time, I would then endeavor to win her over. I would continue to pursue her, despite her lack of interest.
My thinking was, if I kept trying, sooner or later she would see what a great guy I was. Then she would choose me. One day she would see how much I loved her. She’d see what she was missing.
I would continue to talk to her on the phone every day. I would carry a torch for her; hang around until I eventually found another girl to put on the same pedestal.
I did this over and again, and sometimes the pursuit would go on for years. Instead of just walking away when I didn’t get the affection I really wanted, I would take whatever she gave me. The crumbs.
I suppose I could say she put me in the friend zone if I wanted to blame her. But, the thing is, I volunteered for all this. She would be clear that she wasn’t interested in me, but I would choose to stick around anyway.
Now, I know. The only chance for any of these girls to be attracted to me would have been if I had enough spine to walk away. Instead, I pretended to be a friend when I really wanted more than that. Then, passive-aggressively, I pressured them to be with me.
Over and over, rather than facing rejection, I chose to live in this alternate reality where there was a chance for me to be with the girl in question. It never worked.
As I aged, I became determined to never again put myself in that familiar position. I began to see how self-defeating and degrading my behavior was. I learned to be more intentional. By adulthood, I was careful to be direct about my intentions. No more pretending. I understood it was my responsibility to be clear about what I wanted, and to walk away when the situation called for that.
It took me a long time to understand why I engaged in that pattern of behavior. Eventually, I learned about my attachment style, and how some of the things that happened in my childhood affected the way I’d been showing up in relationships. But, at the end of the day, I was like everyone else. I just wanted to love and to be loved.
I had to learn how to do those things – to love and to be loved. Regrettably, it wasn’t until after a divorce that I sorted things out enough for meaningful change to take hold.
Single again in my 40’s, I began dating again, and really learned how to date for the first time. Having grown emotionally at this point, I wasn’t going to pressure a woman to date me, let alone be sexual with me.
Nonetheless, most of the women I met were very guarded. They had become so accustomed to men pressuring them to be sexual, before creating any semblance of intimacy, they couldn’t even relax enough to enjoy themselves.
I remembered what my father asked, all those years before. I would tell them “I don’t want to sleep with someone who doesn’t want to sleep with me. I’m not going to pressure you to have sex with me.” Although I really meant it, this was always met with some skepticism. They weren’t accustomed to men treating them with this kind of respect.
It takes self-respect to treat someone else with respect, and it takes the kind of emotional maturity a lot of men in our society don’t possess.
I must be secure enough in myself to not take it personally when someone isn’t interested in me, or when they aren’t ready to be sexual with me. If it’s a hit to my ego, that’s my problem, not hers. It’s not her fault. Ever.
There are only women who aren’t interested, and men who are immature enough to take it personally.
The friend zone, the way we think of it, is a myth. There is no such place.
It’s a way we shame a woman for exercising her power of choice. It’s a way we punish her for being the gatekeeper, and for not letting the man through.
For a man to say “she put me in the friend zone” is to blame her for his own inadequacy. It’s a total cop out, and he knows it. I certainly knew it. But, if he chooses to see things that way, there are plenty of people who will concur with him and abide this nonsense.
These days, on social media, there are “dating coaches” coming out of the woodwork. Both men and women, they promise to teach men what to do when “she puts you in the friend zone.” They’ll teach you “how to stay out of the friend zone.”
Like other myths, there are things to learn from it. It speaks to a bigger problem.
Everyone wants to tell us how to get into a relationship, but there’s not enough talk about how to be in a relationship.
That’s because we’re not particularly good at it.
I spent my share of time in this self-imposed exile that we mis-characterize as the friend zone. Getting out of it meant learning things about myself. It meant learning to esteem myself, rather than depending on a certain type of attention, or behavior, from someone else. It meant exercising the courage to walk away, even if I really liked her. It meant facing reality, even when it didn’t suit me.
Fellas, she is a human being, not a resource to meet your need for affection.
Saying “she put me in the friend zone” is not only a cop out, it’s disrespectful and dehumanizing.
If she’s not into you, it’s nothing personal. Some people like chocolate better than strawberry. Maybe you’re not the flavor she prefers. It’s only a big deal if you make it a big deal. Move on.
I’ve heard these influencers with enormous followings, “dating coaches,” both male and female, respond when a woman poses the question, “where are all the good men these days.”
They say, “maybe you should look in the friend zone.”
They blame her. They blame women.
If you ask me, “all the good men” got lost when they were little boys, about the time society demanded they disconnect from their hearts.
Because, if you’re emotionally mature, if you’re a grown-up, there is no such thing as the friend zone.
How Loving Myself First Helped Me Build the Foundation for the Relationship I Wanted
I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve heard someone say, “you have to learn how to love yourself before you can love someone else.” Not enough to stop me from rolling my eyes when I do. Stuart Smalley comes to mind.
Tom this was a great Read and right on. I loved it. Thank you Brother.