“The goal is balance, not emotional suppression: every feeling has its value and significance. A life without passion would be a dull wasteland of neutrality, cut off and isolated from the richness of life itself.”
-Daniel Goleman, from Emotional Intelligence
As a young adult who found himself in treatment for an alcohol problem, there are many phrases I heard from people who obviously knew more than I did. Statements like “misery is optional,” and imperatives like “don’t give up before the miracle happens” have lingered in my mind since those 28 days in the mid-1990’s, and I hope they always will.
I was a boy who his mom described as “sensitive.” She didn’t use the word pejoratively. She really meant I wasn’t as callous as my dad and my older brothers. Still, “sensitive” is something boys aren’t supposed to be in our culture, so it made for an internal struggle from which I sought what little peace alcohol might give me.
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Another phrase from back then helped me understand not only that “sensitive” label, but how I fit in the world. I heard someone say, “feelings are gifts from God.”
We live in a society with an adversarial relationship toward emotion. The word “emotional” is neutral if taken at face value. But, it always used in a negative way.
Here is an example of how we contort ourselves to accommodate the hostility toward emotion in our culture. Think of how often we see someone who, when overcome with feelings to the point of shedding a tear, stops to gather him of herself, swallows their tears, and apologizes to whoever is present to bear witness to them being something other than a statue.
Imagine doing that with any other bodily function. Imagine needing to urinate but opting to piss your pants instead. Ridiculous, right? Think about that the next time you begin to weep.
We function as though emotions don’t matter, and it’s just not true. They provide relief, catharsis. They are useful, and instructive. They warn us and guide us. They tell us who we are and who we should be.
Feelings are not superfluous. They are not insignificant. They are not trivial. In some ways, in Goleman’s words, they are “the richness of life itself.”
And, as he says, “the goal is balance, not suppression.” It’s okay to hold it for a little while. But, you have to go to the bathroom eventually, or else you’ll have a real mess on your hands.
Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments.
Glossary of Feelings entry IX
Frustrated (adjective)
feeling discouragement, anger, and annoyance because of unresolved problems or unfulfilled goals, desires, or needs
having an ambition that has not been realized
This Week in History
March 3, 1857 - The Second Opium War begins, as France and the United Kingdom declare war on China.
March 4, 1933 - Franklin D. Roosevelt is inaugurated as the 32nd US President, pledges to pull the country out of the Great Depression, stating in his inaugural address that “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself."
March 5, 1770 - What was then know as the Incident on King Street, the Boston Massacre took place. British soldiers killed five men in a crowd throwing snowballs, stones, and sticks at them. The boy Crispus Attucks was the first to die, and was later held up as a martyr. The massacre galvanized anti-British feelings in the colonies.
March 6, 1857 – The Dred Scott Decision was handed down by the Supreme Court, ruling Africans could not be US citizens.
March 7, 1870 - The Cincinnati Red Stockings, the first professional baseball team, began an eight-month tour of midwestern and eastern United States.
March 8, 1893 – Mississippi John Hurt, American country blues singer and guitarist, was born in Teoc, Carroll County, Mississippi.
March 9, 1996 - George Burns [Nathan Birnbaum], American actor, comedian, and singer, died at age 100.
What I’m Reading
Blood Meridian, by Cormac McCarthy
Theft by Finding: Diaries 1977-2002, by David Sedaris
The Atlantic
What I’m Watching
Shogun on Hulu
What I’m Listening To
Muswell Hillbillies, The Kinks
Workin’ With The Miles Davis Quintet, Miles Davis Quintet
Journaling Prompt for the Week #10 of 2024
What are some of the negative messages you received in childhood pertaining to emotions? How do they affect you now?
Thanks for reading. Have a great week.