If You're Talking about High-Value Men You're Missing the Point
The Memo for June 10, 2024
“There are four questions of value in life . . . What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same. Only love.”
-Lord Byron
All the time now, we hear references to the “high-value man.” Whether it’s from therapists who aim to teach people how to be good partners, or dating or relationship coaches telling people how to find a good partners, there is an awful lot of talk about high-value men and high-value women. It’s not only the likes of Andrew Tate and Pearl Davis talking this way. Some of the most well-meaning and well-trained professionals use language like this in their work every day without ever considering how dehumanizing it is.
If you’re looking for the value in a human being, you’re not seeing the human being.
If you’ve listened to some of my podcast episodes or read my work, you know what I believe about the way we approach love relationships in our society. We’re not good at it. That said, you can also be sure of this. When it comes to your romantic relationship, pretty much anyone will have something to say about it if you’re willing to listen. The fact that the idea that we need to be a high-value man or find a high-value man resonates with so many reinforces my belief that we’re all pretty bad at this.
I know people will scoff and point out the simple practicality of the concept of a “high-value” man or woman. I get it. We all want good partners, and good partners come with certain traits.
But, this language hints at an ugly truth. We tend to approach relationships from a transactional point of view. We are so busy thinking about what we can get from the other person that we fail to consider how to love them.
Rather than building our love relationships on a solid foundation, more often we begin them by trying to fill the hole inside ourselves with the other person and all the things they can offer us.
Maybe we enter a relationship to quiet our fears of loneliness or abandonment. We want to know we won’t die alone. Maybe we want to be sure we will always have another person who feels obligated to have sex with us. We want to know we’ll get laid. Maybe we want to be a father or mother, and we need that other person, of course, to help us make that happen.
I think what we’re missing is that love has to be the priority if it is to prevail. There is nothing wrong with having another person to help us meet our wants and needs. But, when we really love someone, it doesn’t matter whether we can get these things from them or not. If we really love someone, we want what’s best for them, whether that includes us or not.
This ideal may sound too audacious, but it’s not. It is a high ideal, but it’s one we can live up to. It’s a choice.
When even all the therapists are talking about value, it’s difficult to see that we have that choice.
We need to learn how to love. How to be loved. How to love ourselves. How to love others. How to build our lives on that foundation.
Love.
That’s high-value.
Glossary of Feelings entry XXI
Optimistic (adjective)
feeling or showing hope for the future
This Week in History
June 9, 1682 – Peter the Great, Tsar of Russia, was born in Moscow.
June 10, 1692 – The first victim of the Salem witch trials, Bridget Bishop, was hanged for witchcraft in the colony of Massachusetts.
June 11, 1517 – British admiral Sir Thomas Pert reached Hudson Bay.
June 12, 1651 – The newly completed Fontana dei Quattro Fiumi (Fountain of the Four Rivers) by Gian Lorenzo Bernini was unveiled in Rome.
June 13, 1920 – The United States Post Office told American citizens, after various instances, that children could not be sent by parcel post.
June 14, 1206 – Chinese southern Song dynasty officially declared war on the northern Jin dynasty.
June 15, 1849 – Eleventh US President James K. Polk died of cholera in Nashville at age 53.
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What I’m Reading
The Writing Life, by Annie Dillard
Can’t Be Satisfied: The Life and Times of Muddy Waters, by Robert Gordon
Blood Meridian, by Cormac McCarthy
What I’m Watching
Billy the Kid, MGM+ Original Series
Major League Baseball
What I’m Listening To
Tom’s Music Collection & More, a Spotify Playlist
Journaling Prompt for Week #23 of 2024
Write about the first messages you remember getting about romantic love.
Thanks for reading. Have a great week.