How Loving Myself First Helped Me Build the Foundation for the Relationship I Wanted
Secure Connection with Self Changes Everything
I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve heard someone say, “you have to learn how to love yourself before you can love someone else.” Not enough to stop me from rolling my eyes when I do. Stuart Smalley comes to mind.
Having been the recipient of such advice, I know one question invariably arises in these moments. “What does that even mean?” Yet, in my experience, most people who utter this phrase have a hard time elaborating on the topic. It has become cliché. That said, it’s still true.
For me, it works better to think of it as my relationship with myself.
In what follows, I share about how attending to that relationship has given me the kind of confidence and power needed to drastically improve the quality of my relationships with others. It has changed how I show up in the world, in life, and, specifically, in love.
In our culture, we’re terrible at relationships. From a quick Google search, we find the divorce rate in the United States is currently 46%. That doesn’t account for unhappy marriages or romantic relationships where people are less than satisfied.
Collectively, we’re bad at this, and we all know it. I would argue it’s because most of us neglect our relationships with ourselves.
My parents were married for 55 years when my dad died. Yet I saw so many people I loved experience divorce that, as a boy, I promised myself. Over and over, I promised myself I would never get divorced. I would never put a kid through that. Then I did, because life happens, and I didn’t know then what I’m writing about now.
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My first marriage ended in 2013. My second marriage began in 2023. And, although it’s fair to call me a newlywed, the second time around feels completely different. It’s because I’m a different man from the one I was when I took those vows in 2004.
I learned a lot about myself in these 10 years between marriages, including that I was capable of making the same mistakes all over again, no matter what I intended. I nearly did a couple times, and more recently than I prefer to admit.
Maybe the best lesson I learned in these intervening years was that until I sorted out my relationship with myself, until I stopped abandoning myself, the other person didn’t matter. It could be anyone.
Unless I could show up in a relationship, in the truest sense, it would be doomed to fail. It would either end in divorce or it would endure in misery.
By the time I met my wife I was ready to do that. I was determined to do it. To show up. I dealt with the divorce. I enjoyed being single. I learned to enjoy dating. Then I got sick of dating. But, when this relationship began, I knew who I was. I was secure in myself, and I approached the relationship accordingly.
I trusted myself. That was key. The approach I used is not consistent with what passes for dating advice. But, it was me. I was myself. No games. No posturing.
It strikes me that I learned how to do it along the way. By this time, I had learned to stop talking to people about the inner workings of my romantic relationships, unless they were in the type of relationship I wanted for myself, or I was paying them for advice. Again, most of us are terrible at this, but everyone has an opinion. I had to learn to trust myself.
Here are some of the ways I cultivated a secure, fulfilling, satisfying relationship which led to a marriage in which I feel more loved and respected than ever before. Had I not worked on my relationship with myself, I would’ve been able to do very little of it.
I should tell you, we met online. She could not have been further away. Seriously. So, that eliminated the risk of moving too fast. Also, she would never have done that - move too fast.
First, I made my intentions clear.
After talking to her for a couple weeks, I told her I was attracted to her, and that I saw her as a potential partner. I did this to be clear, not in the interest of getting a response from her. I didn’t seek reciprocation from her. I was saying “no matter where you stand, this is where I stand.”
When the word friendship came up, again, I made myself clear. I let her know that, although she may or may not see me as “just a friend,” I did not see her that way, and I probably never would.
I hear so many guys complain about the “friend zone.” There’s all this advice about how to stay out of the “friend zone.” Women get blamed for “putting him in the friend zone.” It’s all nonsense. Fellas, if you don’t have the people skills to see when a woman isn’t interested in you, or the self-respect to walk away when that’s the case, that’s on you. It’s not her fault. It’s yours. Putting it on her is a cop out.
The “friend zone” doesn’t really exist. But, that’s another story for another time.
When I was young, I repeatedly fell into the trap of pursuing a woman who saw me as only a friend, lingering around in hope that she would eventually change her mind. That self-respect I mentioned – I didn’t have it. Now I do.
Almost every single day, I see some men’s dating guru on Instagram saying to never tell her how you feel. Make her wonder. It’s terrible advice. Have the guts to put it out there. Then you’ll know exactly where you stand with her, and you can act accordingly. But, to embody this kind of strength, you have to know who you are. You have to be secure in your relationship with yourself first. If you’re not, you need to work on it.
I did not ask her to stop talking to other guys.
In the beginning, I knew she was talking to other guys. I did not ask her to stop talking to other guys. I told her I didn’t want to hear about the time she spent with, or her romantic interest in, other guys. I let her know that I was talking to, and sometimes seeing, other women. And, although I made it clear she was the only woman in my life who I could see as a long-term partner, I would continue to talk to, and see, other women. As I mentioned before, we were very far apart when we met. Until we had the opportunity to meet in person, we did what made sense.
We were honest with each other, but I didn’t want to hear about other guys in her life. And, I sure as hell wasn’t going to spend any time in my interactions with her talking about another woman. Down the road, after we met in person, after we decided to be together, we talked through everything we needed to regarding other romantic interests in a way that nurtured the trust and respect between us.
Many guys would suggest that if she’s talking to other potential partners, you should walk away. She should be giving you all her attention. But, I had the confidence to know I would stand out from other guys, and I knew, when it came time for her to decide, if she was to choose me, it would be because she wanted me.
You might notice I referred to them as “guys.” That’s because, as this process unfolded, she reached a conclusion. They were guys, but I was a man. It’s not me saying that. She said it.
That’s the difference when you love yourself, when you respect yourself, when you are secure in who you are.
People take you seriously.
I told her I loved her.
When I knew I loved her, I told her. And, it was early - a few weeks in. I didn’t say “I love you” for a response. In fact, I made it clear I was not asking for a response. I told her I loved her because that’s how I felt, I loved her, and because the way to create true intimacy with another human being is by telling them how you feel.
This is important. I didn’t pressure her to do anything. Nothing. I didn’t ask her to stop talking to other guys. I didn’t expect her to reciprocate my feelings for her. I just remained a consistent presence in her life. I continued to get to know her and to get closer to her. I didn’t try to force it, like I had so many times before.
Because I was connected to myself, I could let the relationship happen, rather than trying to make it happen. I’d learned by then that every relationship unfolds the way it unfolds. It’s not up to me to define it. When I feel an attraction toward someone, my job is to follow it, not to determine ahead of time what will become of it.
I wanted what was best for her, no matter what.
Before we met in person, she expressed her fears. “What happens if I’m not attracted to you,” she asked. “Then what?” I reassured her in ways I only could because of the lessons I’ve learned – because of my relationship with myself. I told her if she didn’t have romantic feelings for me, I would not take it personally, and I meant it. As we approached that first meeting, I was determined to have a great experience. One way or another, we would enjoy each other’s company. I told her that I loved her, and that because love her, I want what’s best for her, whether it includes me or not.
In short, I treated her like a human being, rather than a resource to meet my need for affection.
Responding this way required the type of emotional maturity I didn’t have in past relationships. Before, I was functioning from a place of scarcity. I was afraid if a relationship didn’t work out, I might always be alone. But, by the time I met the woman who would become my wife, I knew if she wasn’t “the one,” it would be okay. Sooner or later, I would find the right partner for me, and until I did, I would enjoy being single. I learned that there is plenty of love in the world, and I will have my share unless I choose otherwise.
If I was to tell you this story as concisely as possible, I’d say this. I treated her with love from the very beginning, and all along the way. I wasn’t trying to get anything from her. I just loved her.
I had to stop trying to control love, and just live it.
I didn’t pressure her.
Before and after we met, I made it clear I would not pressure her to be sexual. And I didn’t pressure her to be sexual. I still don’t pressure her to be sexual.
When she says no, for whatever reason, I say “okay.” I don’t take it personally.
I don’t give her a guilt trip. I don’t whine about how I have needs. I just say “okay.”
Guys, if you want a great sex life, I highly recommend this approach. I’ll leave it at that. But, it’s only possible because I have a relationship with myself.
I realized we play this game in our society where we over-inflate the importance of meeting the sexual needs of men.
We pretend when a man goes without sex he is somehow tortured. It’s nonsense.
Even worse, we function as though when a woman says no to him, she is torturing him. This is not real. But, it’s a key part of a belief system that leads to endless power struggles in relationships and marriages that end in divorce.
If you’re having a difficult time believing this, know that I speak from experience. I’ve seen many periods of celibacy in my life, some short and some long. Never once was I hospitalized. Never even saw a doctor. I promise, dude. You’re gonna be okay.
We have to feel secure within ourselves.
Here’s the thing. The only way I will ever feel secure in a relationship is if I’m secure with myself. When I feel secure with myself, I don’t need anything from her. I don’t need her attention. I don’t need her to stop dating other guys. I don’t need her to tell me she loves me. I don’t need her to have sex with me. I don’t need anything from her. I already have everything I need.
All this love in my heart that I’d always given so freely to my romantic partner, I had to learn to redirect it toward myself. Then I had everything I ever needed.
I learned that it’s not about giving and receiving love. It’s about acknowledging the love I have and sharing it with someone else.
By the way, this doesn’t only apply with romantic partners. It applies with everyone.
I feel grateful that I learned this lesson before meeting my wife, because I realized it is a key part of what makes me who I am, and who I want to be, as a human being. I stand for love. At times I fall short, of course, but when faced with the little day-to-day choices in life, and in my every encounter with other human beings, I choose to act from a place of love. And kindness. My life is better because of it.
I know who I am.
This brings me to my last point. The difference between this and every other relationship experience I’ve had is that, now, I know who I am. Before, I didn’t.
I know who I am. I know what I want. I know what I stand for. I know my purpose.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s a process. I’m still learning. I’m still deciding. But, I know who I am. Because of that, I not only have aspirations, I have direction.
I’m grounded in who I am. I’ve built my relationship with my wife on that foundation. Before, the proposition I offered a potential life partner was something like “hey. Let’s do this.” In this case, because I learned to prioritize my relationship with myself, I had something much more to offer.
“This is who I am. This is where I’m going. I want you to come with me.”
When we hear people say, “you have to love yourself first,” whether they know it or not, this is what they’re talking about. This is why I give so much thought and attention and focus so much of my writing on our relationships with ourselves and our emotions.
Love starts from the inside and radiates outward, not the other way around. What you’re looking for - you already have it.
According to that Google search, in the vast majority of marriages that end in divorce, people cite lack of commitment from the other party as the cause. That’s how it was before I made a real commitment to myself; before I began healing my relationship with myself. I just blamed it on the other person.
We live in a culture where most of us abandon ourselves, then look to another person to define us. We look to our spouses. Some of us look to our kids. Of course half our marriages end in divorce. It’s a setup for failure. But, we don’t have to live this way.
Instead, we can learn how to be who we are. We can begin to ask ourselves the questions most people seem to have a hard time answering.
Who am I?
What do I want?
Why am I here?
And, what am I going to do about it?
That’s what it means to love yourself.
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Tom Gentry is a writer, podcaster, and helping professional who works with families affected by addiction. He helps men find long-term recovery and facilitates groups focused on the relationship with self. Email him at tom@tomgentry.net.