Feeling More Like a Man & Less Like a Little Boy
Men Need Each Other
As I’ve mentioned in other places, I’m preparing a manuscript. My plan is to take what I’ve learned over the years, working on myself and with other men, and use it to show the average man how he has abandoned himself emotionally, and to present a compelling argument for him to reclaim that part of himself.
Right now, I’m sifting through everything I’ve written about masculinity and manhood over past five years or so. I wrote this piece in 2019, and first published it on Medium. I made some edits before posting it here.
Awhile back, a friend forwarded a short video to me that was circulating on social media. The footage was taken from a workshop focused on helping people tap into the “sacred masculine” or “sacred feminine.”
The clip showed an experiential exercise where a man and woman stood face-to-face about three feet apart. She was taller than him, and significantly more attractive.
Not exactly a fashion plate, he wore a blood-red, button-down shirt with navy blue, polyester pants. Like everyone else in the room, he was barefoot. He resembled Woody Allen — small, wiry, and awkward.
The people in the room paid thousands of dollars to spend a weekend in the presence of the primary facilitator, the handsome and influential man who stood beside Woody.
The focus of the exercise was to walk him through the process of tapping into his masculine power.
When he did so, they said, he would be firmly grounded in the world, to the degree that his feet would feel rooted to the earth, his legs as firm as tree trunks.
Woody maintained eye contact with the woman facing him at arm’s length. Standing next to her was a female facilitator, who repeatedly mentioned the weakness in his gaze.
“I need to see more killer.” The woman said that. To Woody.
The handsome man pressed his palm into Woody’s shoulder. If he could push Woody off balance, the man said, he had it all wrong. His legs should be tree trunks. He adjusted accordingly.
They then suggested Woody might tilt his head forward a bit. That way they would see more of the killer in his eyes. Gauging the response of the other people in the room, Woody must have looked substantially more powerful when the angle between his neck and chin was slightly more acute. They cheered him, saying they saw the killer now. It seems all he needed to tap into his masculine power was to stand with his feet at shoulders width, tilt his head forward, and stare into the woman’s eyes.
What a crock of shit.
Now, let me be clear. If there’s something that will help somebody feel better or be better, I’m open to it. I’m not so arrogant as to think I have all the answers. I’ve been known to burn sage and palo santo. I use mantras. I’m not denying the merit in the concepts of the divine feminine and masculine. I believe there is divinity within all of us. In some ways, my life is a pursuit of what Robert Bly called it- Zeus energy.
But, you can’t tell me Woody Allen felt more like a man after that exercise. And, I promise you, that’s what he wants — to feel more like a man. It’s not going to happen in a room like that, with a woman telling him she can’t see the fire in his eyes; that she might if he lowers his chin.
He doesn’t need one man in the room to test his power, to try to push him over. He needs to be one man among a group of men and to experience their admiration and support.
We are not very good at teaching men how to be men. So, we’re left with a lot of men who, deep down, feel like little boys, whether they know it or not.
If you ask people what it means to be a man, some common themes will emerge. You’ll hear about being a protector, and a good provider, but you won’t get a clear, consistent answers. Yet, we gauge males in our world against this ambiguous standard.
It’s not at all unusual for us to make critical remarks regarding someone’s manhood. We say things like “he needs to man up” or “a real man would (fill in the blank).” We ask, “why can’t you just be a man?” I could go on.
These expressions mean different things to different people. For that reason, the real message becomes a shaming one. “If you don’t live up to my particular ideal of what a man should be (which I can’t clearly explain), there’s something wrong with you.”
I think this is why we see so much of what some of us now call toxic masculinity. We’re conditioned to carry and live up to these ambiguous beliefs about manhood. There is no clear ideal. It’s difficult to understand, let alone accomplish. So, how can we possibly measure up?
A man needs to feel like he measures up. When he doesn’t, on some level, he feels like a little boy.
Over the years, I’ve come to realize we’re asking the wrong question.
The question is not “what does it mean to be a man.” It’s “what does it mean for me to be a man.”
A man finds his true power in his individuality; in the gifts that only he can share with the world. As men, we must define ourselves. When we try to live by “their” standards, it’s hard to think we measure up. When we think we don’t measure up, men will almost always begin to feel insecure, like a little boy. Then things get messy, because that insecurity, if not adequately addressed, breeds destructive and abusive behavior. Given that, with most men, practically every emotion besides anger is taboo in our culture, we almost never acknowledge feelings of insecurity, let alone address them.
It’s a setup.
If you want a man who has abandoned himself to remain estranged from his heart, keep telling him to get in touch with his feminine side.
All of us need to learn how to better connect with ourselves and with our emotions. But, be it in love or in friendship, a man will never find himself in a woman.
For him to really connect with himself, in a way that sticks, he needs other men. To find himself, he needs to believe in himself enough to look deeply into the scariest of places — his heart. To muster that kind of courage, he needs other men around him who have done the same.
Until he can connect with himself, and with his heart, Woody’s legs will never be tree trunks. And, if he’s honest, he’ll say he feels more like a little boy.
A man needs to connect, connect deeply, with other men. Then you may not see “more killer,” but there will be a fire in his eyes. I don’t know if he will have tapped into the sacred masculine, but he’ll feel more like a man.
Looking forward to reading your book!